Week of February 4th

My Goal this Week: This week, I am focusing on going through the process to actually forgive the laundry list of hurts and feelings that I finished during last weeks goal (refer to prior week for background). My first task is to reflect on the situations that actually created the negative feelings of hurt, anger, fear, etc. and really look at how I could have handled them differently. And the finale at the end of this week will be going to our trusted BBQ and setting the pages on fire as a symbol of letting them go! Wish me luck!

My Experience this Week: This past week has been quite a challenge for me. This goal (week of 2/4) to focus on trying to forgive some past hurts, etc. has been an eye opener. Not only was I revisiting the past, but I was also revisiting the part I “played”. Looking at yourself with such raw “eyes” is not always pretty and certainly not easy. But I was determined to be honest with myself. Believing that “we all do what we know how to do at the time” became the boat saving me from flooding waters.

As indicated in my goal above  – I spent some time this week reflecting on the past, situations and people that left me with anger, fear and hurt feelings in my heart. I really tried to focus on my part in the “mess” and how I could have done things differently to possibly have a different outcome. And as much as there was a part of me (that for some reason) wanted to hold on to my actions at the time as being right or justified, I had to look at why I reacted with such vigor, such intensity.

During those difficult times that still sort of “haunt” me, I really felt much like a lioness protecting her cubs. I came out fighting as if my very well being was at stake. But was it? The only thing really being attacked at those moments was my pride, my ego or my sense of being right. And perhaps a feeling of being let down was also predominant as I had expectations for people behaving or treating me a certain way and when they didn’t I was extremely hurt.  Then I tried to look at where that need in me comes from? That need to control the situation or to be right or having high expectations for others in “my world”. The only thing I came up with is that there were so many times in my childhood where I felt helpless or felt things happening were beyond my control. So ultimately, as I grew up, trying to control as much as I could in any given situation was important for my sense of well being.

As I reviewed the pages where I had written all these feelings (from the goal of week 1/28), I finally thought I was ready to walk the last mile of this week’s goal by burning them as a symbol of letting things go. I had spent the week analyzing, thinking and looking back so now I could reap the rewards – hooray! As the weekend approached, I honestly thought I was ready for the next step. But to my surprise, I struggled. And I don’t mean just slightly. I mean REALLY struggled with this last step of letting go. Every time I thought about grabbing them and heading to the BBQ with a match I felt this anxiety in me. This internal struggle that caused me to stop and put it off. I would have rather walked across burning coals than to walk to our BBQ. I couldn’t understand it. Why was I resisting this final step so much?

If I am honest with myself….I’m no spring chicken…so I have lived with some of these feelings, fears, hurts, etc. for many years and used them as my excuse to not reach out or not move on or not be the person I know in my heart I should be. Sad to admit, but a part of me felt like I would be saying what happened was ok – that the words, actions, experiences, etc. that left me with these feelings was somehow not their fault. Ugh…WHY WHY am I so determined to hold on to all this stuff! So needless to say….the weekend came and went…no burning at the BBQ. And as I am writing this on Thursday night the following week, still no BBQ fire! But I am determined to complete this process. And so…we are now focusing on my goal for the week of Feb. 11th.

~ Hoping you are staying connected~

– Victoria

 

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