My Goal this Week: Well, in the past weeks I was working on a really big goal that was very emotional, draining and uplifting all at the same time (read previous weeks goals for background if you are just joining). So this week I chose to slow things down and simply meditate and pray for continued “release” from the feelings I let go during the previous goal.
My Experience this Week:
This week’s goal didn’t have the same concrete resolution that I experienced in the prior week’s goal but nonetheless I did learn something unexpected.
When I was pondering the idea of writing this blog I knew it would be a risk. After the 2nd post I realized how much I am opening myself up to the world in a way I normally don’t with my closest friends or family. That feeling of intense vulnerability is scary at times. But when I came up with the idea of setting weekly goals to really challenge myself to Love more deeply and connect with the universe, God and all that is out there – my plan was to set goals throughout the year and keep a journal for my own growth. So I thought “why not journal about it through a blog?” But once I got started and realized how personal these goals would be and how intertwined they are with my family, my friends, my life, etc. I second guessed myself. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea?
But a little voice inside me said to go for it…so here I am! I think often times we don’t listen to that “little voice” inside – which is really the voice of God, the highest power of all that is, trying to lead you on the right path. That book that 4 friends have mentioned to you, that program that was on when you were flipping channels and you learned something or heard something you needed to hear, that person who you thought of twice and suddenly calls you – these are not coincidences – they are the inner workings of a master plan and if you try to connect to that power more (through prayer, meditation, quiet time, etc.), you will see more of them!
This week brought me to a realization that even shocked me! And because this is all so personal, I intentionally leave names and event details out of my writing. Those details aren’t as important as the end result anyway. Plus the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone’s feelings. I knew these posts would reach my family and wondering what they would do or say weighed heavily on my mind and heart. Then I thought, perhaps that is where my true growth will come from?
This week I received a message from a family member about my blog that challenged me in a whole new way. The message wasn’t from anyone I would expect. In fact, it was from one of the people that were part of my “letting go of past feelings” goal from the previous 2 weeks. This person was following my blog and wanted me to know, in short, that they “were proud and forgave me”. Now I have to say that when I first read that message I took a deep breath and couldn’t even speak. At first I was incredibly angry (my immediate reaction is to FIGHT back and defend….remember?) and I thought of a thousand things I wanted to write back in a message. And to be perfectly honest, none of the things I wanted to write were very nice.
After all, I was the one with all these feelings I was trying to let go and work on forgiving other people. Honestly, I was totally upset that this person had the nerve to tell me they forgave me! If I did say or do anything, I was only defending myself – right? Well, seeing my face, my husband asked me what was wrong and after we chatted I went upstairs to calm down. I ended up calling another family member that I am close with and we discussed my feelings for a few minutes and the advice I received was certainly not something I felt I could do…..nothing. “Nothing” I thought…that’s crazy! I have to do something, right?
After I hung up, I sat in our bedroom, closed my eyes, took a deep breath and prayed. “I am so hurt and angry” I mumbled and then I said “Holy Spirit, I am open and willing to see things differently”. This was a prayer that Marriane Williamson talks about in her book “A Return to Love”. And I now say this prayer quite often. And believe it or not, it really does work.
I literally only prayed for couple minutes when the answer came to me like a flashing light. This person that sent me the message has a journey and a path all their own. Just like me. And if along the way, during a time when our lives intertwined, they felt that they needed to forgive me for something I did or said that hurt them, who was I to take that away? Who was I to say that their feelings were wrong? That they don’t deserve the same peace of forgiveness that I am trying to experience. Maybe I did and maybe I didn’t do anything “wrong” – each person’s reality is their perception of the life around them. And in their perception, they needed to forgive me for something, for what I am not certain, but I do know that their journey is not for me to judge, control or try to explain. We all do what we know how to do at the moment. (Wow, that is a powerful statement when you think about it.)
Coming to that final place and having the strength to not respond was very powerful for me. (I really like having the last word…the Pisces in me perhaps, or maybe a trait I inherited from my Father who always got the last word, LOL). I am sure I will have more opportunities in the future to learn to LOVE rather than to fight and defend…but I know now that I have it in me to choose my battles more wisely and to stop and pray before I react or respond to things that have such an adverse effect on me (which usually means a lesson in at hand). A prayer for guidance and the willingness to see things differently provides more strength than I could have imagined.
I hope all of my friends and family know that I am truly blessed to have been through all the good and the bad in my life because it made me who I am today! I wouldn’t change a thing – everything was for a purpose – a higher purpose. We are all here to learn the lessons needed for our souls to reach a higher state of being…a higher state of consciousness…a higher state of LOVE. After all, God is LOVE! I am on a journey this year and love sharing it with all of you – I love you all!
~ Be connected ~