My Goal this Week: For this week, since I am writing this on Thursday night…is simply to write down the feelings and memories that I am holding onto in my heart with the family members I could not call last week for my goal. Once its all out, spend some time meditating and praying to see the situation differently and lean towards forgiveness.
My Experience this Week: Okay, its Wednesday, a little past Sunday…but I am trying! (OMG! I just heard my dads voice say “there is no try sweetheart, there is just “do”! – love you dad for always pushing me!!) So this last week I spent some time writing down my thoughts and feelings related to the family members that I tried to call during my goal 2 weeks ago but noticed I was avoiding it.
When I started this goal I thought it would actually be quick and fairly easy to write down how I felt but what I came to realize is that the hurt feelings I have been holding onto have become sort of the norm to carry with me and the idea that I was working at letting them go almost stopped me from writing. I felt like “if I go through this process and actually forgive past hurts, actions, or whatever then it would be like I was saying what they did or said was okay and I would be letting them off the hook”. WOW! Then it hit me. Do they even know they are “on the hook’? Or maybe they are feeling the same way about me? What if I hurt them too?
I am certainly not so naive that I believe I am totally innocent. But when I look back at those moments – I honestly remember feeling so let down, so disrespected and hurt that I came out fighting…kind of like my Dad…back me into a corner and look out! But does that make it ok? As I continued to write down my feelings I remembered this verse “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” Mathew 6:15-16 Ahhhhahhhh…and there it is. I realized that its not up to me to worry about their journey, my only job is to follow mine. And I truly believe I am being called to forgive…and as soon as that came to me I expanded my goal (stretching my comfort zone yet again) and I started writing down ANY hurts or anger I was holding onto from any situation with anyone in my life. I couldn’t believe how long I wrote. I didn’t realize how many “little things” I was not letting go. So after many hours, many tears and much reflection, I have my pages of feelings/hurts to work on letting go…now the real work begins.
~ Hope you can Be Connected ~